Disclaimer

On Sunday I talked about five "do's and don'ts of relational conflict" using Joshua 22 as a case study. My premise was that if we apply these practices to conflicts in our families, workplaces and church, God will show up. We and those we interact with will be blessed.

But here's a disclaimer. It doesn't always work.

The Israelite tribes on the west side of the Jordan were able to successfully resolve their conflict with the Reubenites, Gadites, and the half-tribe of Manasseh (I love that, by the way… the "half-tribe."). I identified five principles of conflict resolution from the passage:

• DON'T draw your sword. (vv. 9-12). In other words, be patient in conflict. Don't go to battle right away like the Israelites were ready to do against their eastern brothers. Assume a posture of 'relaxed concern' that honors the seriousness of the matter while not becoming embroiled in it.
  
• DO talk directly to the person(s) involved. (vv. 13-14). Jesus prescribes this approach in Matthew 18:15-16. It's never helpful take your problems to other people while avoiding the one with whom you are in conflict. Triangulation is poisonous to healthy relationships.
  
• DON'T accuse (vv. 15-18). Assume a posture of inquiry rather than accusation. Rather than saying "how could you do such a thing!?" Say "help me better understand what you meant when you said or did such and such…"
  
• DO offer possible solutions (vv. 19-20). Relationships get tense and out of whack when people feel trapped, threatened and out of options.
  
• DON'T respond defensively (vv. 21-22). The Gadites, Ruebenites and half-tribe of Manasseh don't immediately defend their actions. Beautifully, they first place themselves in a posture of submission to God and humility toward their sister and brother Israelites. They are genuinely open to learning more about how they may have offended God or betrayed others.
  

The disclaimer is that these principles only work in relatively healthy relationships where there is a mutual commitment to one another's deepest good. It does not work when one side is committed more deeply to dominance. The above principles do not work, for instance, for a spouse trapped in an abusive relationship. In this sort of poisonous climate, asking your spouse yet again to "help you understand…" or offering possible solutions, will only be an invitation to hear that you always get it wrong and will never understand. If you are in a verbally or physically abusive relationship it is entirely appropriate (and wise) to seek the counsel of a godly third party without consulting your abuser.

Bay Area Turning Point (http://www.bayareaturningpoint.org/) is a wonderful resource in our community if you find yourself in such a situation.